I came to a realization the other day. What I realized is that I don’t think I could have convinced my younger-self to do the work that I’m currently doing with my clients.
And here’s why:
When I was in the throes of my eating disorder, I didn’t want help. I’m not even sure that I was self-aware enough to know that I needed help. I was completely disconnected to my body. I had mental control over myself and everything that I ate and I didn’t care that I needed a nap during the day because I had no energy. I didn’t care that I was completely exhausted after climbing a set of stairs.
Honestly, it was easy.
But what’s so interesting is that after that first weight loss experience, be it through a diet or an eating disorder, the body starts fighting back. So once you start eating again, it’s very difficult to restrict again. Or at least to restrict for a significant period of time. And so the binge/restrict cycle begins.
Post diagnosable eating disorder, my disordered eating habits continued. Even at this stage, I don’t think I would have accepted help. The main reason being that I thought what I was doing was healthy.
But here’s the thing with disordered eating…it’s not healthy. Hiding empty containers of food out of shame is not healthy. Eating to the point that you make yourself sick is not healthy. Obsessively measuring your salad dressing with a measuring spoon is not healthy. Needing to count the calories or macros of everything you eat is not healthy. Being fearful of gaining weight is not healthy (or at least doesn’t promote healthy behaviors). Exercising to make up for eating food during the Superbowl is not healthy. Making laps around your house at midnight because you didn’t hit your step goal for the day is not healthy.
Disordered eating looks different for each person, but it’s not healthy. It’s mentally draining. And it centers around guilt and shame.
BUT despite using many of these behaviors to cope, I STILL don’t think I would have accepted help. I was too isolated in my thinking. And I even thought some of these behaviors were legitimately healthy (i.e. measuring, counting and tracking).
And so, with this realization that I had about my younger-self not being in a place to heal, I get that many people also aren’t ready.
I really do get it.
But if you (or someone you know) has hit a place where they are finally, FINALLY ready for a change. If they know that they can’t go on like this. If they are tired of thinking about food all the time. If they are ready to adopt behaviors that are ACTUALLY health-promoting, regardless of how their body may or may not change in the process, then it might be their time.
I had to wait until it was my time, so I will be here until each person, who struggles the way I did, is ready.
If this resonates with you, let me know. I’m here to support you!